Ashley’s story

"It's the mental side of HIV that's more difficult that the physical."

“One day I got a phone call from the doctor, just asking me to go up and see him. I never put two and two together. I just went up on my own, not even with my partner at the time. And I was pregnant. The doctor says to me, ‘the partner that you’re with now, ever since you’ve met him, can you honestly say that that’s the only person that you have had a sexual relationship with?’, and I said, ‘Definitely yes’, and he said, ‘I’m really sorry to tell you, but he’s passed on HIV to you’.

I had known about HIV for a while, because my uncle and auntie both had HIV. Sadly, my auntie had passed away, and I had heard rumours she was taken away in a black bag because of her status. When I was diagnosed, I was worried those things would happen to me. I was told that I would only live for ten years, and that terrified me, even now. I still think of every year since ten years as an achievement, and when I get sick I worry that it’s the HIV.

My partner Billy got tested on the 14th of November in 1996, and he was HIV positive, and it was the following year in June that he hung himself, just after his birthday. I really wish he’d told me how he was feeling, because there was help there, but I feel it was guilt he couldn’t handle.

I still love Billy and I know that he’s there waiting for me one day. He’s the one person that never hurt me.

I’m proud of myself because I’m doing well with everything. My HIV status is fine. I do keep in touch with my doctors, and I do go for all of my appointments. But it’s the mental side of HIV that’s more difficult than the physical.

I’ll be honest, I’ve kind of reclused myself now. I don’t trust anyone, I can’t trust anyone, but that’s not because of the HIV, it’s just because of my life after becoming HIV positive. When I meet someone, I feel like I have to tell them my status, and I get really nervous about their reaction. The partners I’ve had, they’ve ended up controlling my brain and my life basically, and that’s how I came across Terrence Higgins Trust and I thought ‘this is all going to come to an end with my ex-partner’. He’s not HIV positive, but he basically said, ‘you’re never going to find anybody else, you’re lucky to have me because I know you’ve got HIV’, you know? I’ve got a lot of help and support on my side for that situation, through Terrence Higgins Trust.

Now, there’s a gentleman at Terrence Higgins Trust who’s not been coming out of his house, he’s been kind of reclusive himself, just like me. My support worker Julie has been trying to get him out and about. So, she thought ‘the best person I can think of to do this would be Ashley’. I am strong, and so, I said, ‘You know what, I’m gonna do it for you Julie. I’m going to do it for this person more than anything’. So, I went down to the office, I got myself dressed and did my hair, and I went in and said to him, ‘Do you want a hug?’, and he went, ‘Go on then’. I gave him a big hug, and he just goes, ‘You have really just made my day’.

He got about seven hugs that day. He wants to come out and meet again, but it’s just little steps at a time, but to do things like that makes me feel good inside, it really does. Before I get more involved, I need to sort my own psychological health and my grief.

I have a lot of bad dreams, but recently I’ve been able to interpret them. So, I just have this dream. I’ve been having it for years, where in your dreams you’re trying to run away from things, and you can’t run. So I taught myself, in my dreams, to just turn backwards and run, and I can run so fast. These dreams have been going on for a while, but just a couple months ago, I thought, ‘Why do I do this?’, and then I figured it’s because I’m trying to run away from my past. But when I’m running, I’m still looking at it. It’s always there. And since then, I’ve never had a dream where I’m trying to run again.”

Ashley’s story is part of the H is for Human series, in collaboration with the Terrence Higgins Trust, sharing stories of strength, courage and hope from four decades of HIV in Scotland.

For more information on Terrence Higgins Trust and to learn about the work they do, follow this link.

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