GT’s story
"A positive status doesn’t mean it’s the end of your world. I’m 25 years positive and still kicking!”
“When I was 15, I ran away to London and lived there for 35 years. During my time in London, I was living pretty recklessly, and I started running myself into the ground. I mean, I was literally skin and bone, doing things that were really unhealthy for me, and that’s when I thought I need to turn things around.
I was first diagnosed in 1999, so I am just about 25 years positive. At the start, there was the shock about what it was and what this meant for me. The first three to five years were the most difficult, with just coming to terms with the diagnosis. What I’ve found is you have to not only accept the HIV but make a bond with it. It’s part of you. You shouldn’t hate yourself and you shouldn’t hate the HIV either. Some people when they get diagnosed turn into emotional garbage trucks, and they allow themselves to get caught up in it. Don’t get me wrong, for me it was a bit scary. Previous to that, my subconscious was saying to me ‘you’re going to be positive before the millennium’, and it turned out that was right. It was just the way it was going for most people around me.
I’ve seen so many people that go off the rails, tons of booze and hard drugs to try and cope thinking that’s a solution. They think the alcohol is killing the HIV but, in the end, it’s killing them. If you try to kill or hate the HIV, you’re going to end up killing and hating yourself.
I’ve been back in Glasgow for about ten years now, and I find there’s quite a difference between people’s attitudes towards HIV. People here are a bit more pensive, and you tend to find they use the old terms and assumptions, like they hear you are HIV positive and say, ‘oh you have AIDS’. There’s still a lot of stigma and shame, even in subtle ways. There are some people that would always give me the same cup when I went round to their flat, and its in those moments when you know what’s going on in someone else’s mind about you. I think some people thought it was like catching the flu. There’s still this idea that it’s an individual issue, whether you become positive through sex or drug use, it’s an individual choice. It doesn’t get the same wider social perspective as other viruses, which is a shame.
I find that I don’t really reveal my status now as often as what I used to, especially in the early days or maybe when I was younger. I just think if you’re unsure about letting people know, then don’t let them know. I don’t think people really don’t need to know unless you’re busy under the sheets with them!
I’m 60 now, and I used to say that I wanted to live longer than my old man, which was 50. So, when I reached 50 I thought, oh god, now what? There was a real chance I could have popped my clogs before I was 50, and now I’m still here! And throughout everything, I’ve maintained the three C’s: Calm, Cool, Collected. Without that, you can run wild with your emotions and become foggy. I personally play my games, some technical very difficult games, and a lot of art therapy which helps me stay chill.
You have to take it one step at a time and try to work through your previous view on HIV. A positive status doesn’t mean it’s the end of your world. I’m 25 years positive and still kicking!”
GT’s story is part of the H is for Human series, in collaboration with the Terrence Higgins Trust, sharing stories of strength, courage and hope from four decades of HIV in Scotland.
For more information on Terrence Higgins Trust and to learn about the work they do, follow this link.
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