The story of one woman's journey of recovery as she charts her experiences with an eating disorder.
“I remember that I used to be a happy, care-free and social person. I was loved by my family and owned a horse with riding as my big passion. My social life circled around horses and I also had friends at school. I was a good student at school and I was always pushing myself to achieve even more.
Things changed but I cannot pinpoint exactly when. One day I was a happy person and suddenly then I had an unwelcomed ‘guest’ in my life – eating disorder. I experienced many forms of it from anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder.
It started with bullying at school, which made me believe I was not good enough. Children made fun of my body image, although my weight was perfectly normal. When we sold our horse I was left with nothing except school, my ambition and a strong belief I need to lose weight to be like and respected.
I stopped doing anything that fed my soul and focused only on what is visible to the eye – slim body and good marks. During all the years with living with an eating disorder, people changed, places changed but food remained as my main life companion. I was eating when I was sad, stressed at work, bored, excited and happy. Always overeating and always feeling guilt once I stopped.
People think people with bulimia or binge eating disorder eat only when they are sad or depressed but that is not true I learned to respond to my emotions by eating. Wherever I feel a first feeling of sadness or joy, my immediate thought is food. Once this thought is there it is almost impossible to abandon it.
After eating large amounts of food the feelings of shame, guilt, depression and self-pity come straight always and often stay for hours or even days. Often this leads to overeating again – just to feel better for minutes – to be in the magical bubble and not to think about the consequences of anything.
I am still recovering from binge eating disorder, which started as anorexia and bulimia. It’s a journey and I am taking it one step at at time and keeping faith in the future.“